So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
