when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
