I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Houston, we have a blender
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
