Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
