My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
