Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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