I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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