I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
