meet me or not, i'm out of control
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
