Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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