No stitches, just platelets and will power
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
