dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
