haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
he thought i was a dude.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
