id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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