just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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