I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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