He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
