she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
