why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
