So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
sarcasm needs its own font
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
