we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
