great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
