I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
