Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
