remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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