Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
