Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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