Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
