My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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