I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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