I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I smell like Dick and happiness
Randomize
