My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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