My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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