Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
