I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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