I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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