You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
