my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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