There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I think I sprained my soul last night
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
