All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
