i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Randomize
