I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Randomize
