so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
