My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
