and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
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