This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
