I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
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