he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
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