She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Randomize
