her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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