my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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