I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
