Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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