Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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