Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
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