I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
