You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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