just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
